life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
