I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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