I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
