Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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