Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
