3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
