Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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