i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
