We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
