You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
