I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
