ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
