Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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