i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
