He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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