GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
