hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
They have beer where we have blood.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
