i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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