Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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