seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
