I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
