He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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