i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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