Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
