Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
