Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
