i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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