she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
