in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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