I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
