One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
