i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
