I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
