Operation Purity has been aborted
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
