I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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