So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
