You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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