In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
