If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
