fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
