I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
