Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
