Your face is a jimmy john
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
