It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
