"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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