he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
