I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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