I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
