how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
