I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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