The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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