it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
