): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He shit in the fireplace
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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