There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
