it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize