I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
