The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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