Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
