guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
