They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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